From the very beginning when I was born the doctors told my parents I would die. I was born premature and had underdeveloped lungs...but I was a fighter. I still fight on to this day, because God had a plan for me, a journey that would bring me to relationship with him....I grew up in a christian home. I gave my life to christ when i was about 7 at sunday school. At the age 16 I was baptised. This is when i reconfirmed my faith. At this time most christians feel alive and blessed and are on top of the world. this is when the devil attacked me the most. I started to hate myself and my body, my relationships. I was a perfectionist. I began abusing my body with an eating disorder called bulimia. It made me feel in control and I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. I could vomit up to 20 times a day if i wanted to. I was so sick. Soon it took over my mind, not just my body. My body was weak and my mind even weaker. all along though I knew that God was by my side. I kept coming to church and youth group, but was living another life of pain and guilt and suffering. I was such a perfectionist that all Ithought about was studying to get the top marks and what i ate and looked like. that was my life summed up. I did indeed get great marks at school. I always had a dream of being a health/PE teacher. I got into university.
I remember the first day at uni I froze. I couldn't do it. I left and changed to the course my sister was doing. I lasted six months. At this time i was going out and partying alot. I was into alcohol and I even tried some drugs.
My life was a mess, I craved love and attention and I would do anything to get it. I hated who I was. people had no idea. I had no stability. I would have happily died starving/purging. it was awful. I chopped and changed from uni to work to business college. I finally went back and got into the pe course again. I lasted two years. At this time I was so bad with the bulimia and I was going out with them all the time. I was basically living a double life. the PE seen is drinking, sleeping around and totally opposite to what God wanted from my life. I was torn.
At this time God gave me some dreams while sleeping. They were very vivid and very real...he was wanting me, all of me so so much.
The first dream was me and my party friend in a shallow grave. She was laughing about how funny it was that we were in a grave and people were walking past us. i was petrified. What I thought was an angel came to us. I recognised his face. It was my great grandfather, a Godly Christian man who died when I was seven. He told me that God wasn't going to allow me into heaven as I hadn't followed him. I was so upset and I pleaded that he let me go....I went to church, I believed...or did I really? He took me to what looked like a car park. there were screaming people being dragged by dark figures through a door...they sounded in agony..fighting not to go in there. I asked him where they were taking them. he said it was hell...I ran to the door and opened it...it was the nightclub we were going to all the time. I thought if this isn't hell, I dont know what is......
The next dream I had was of a guess who board. All the faces on the board were all my family and friends that had gone to heaven or were going..my face was missing....I was petrified....
I believe that God gave me these dreams to remind me of what I would miss out on and how much I needed him and how much he loved me and wanted me for his own. I remember telling them to my cousin who is a strong christian and she said that it was my wakeup call. I agreed...
At the same time these dreams were happening I was still at uni doing the PE course. I remember one night I went to one of the parties. I did have a little too many drinks. I remember a friend and I going down to the beach. He tried to rape me. I felt so ashamed and when I got away I went back to my friends and had a shower and went back to the party in a state. I felt so ashamed as I couldn't remember much or if infact he did do something horrible. The next day I went back to the beach as I had lost my watch and I found it in the sand. Then I thought of how bad it had gotten to loose my watch. I felt broken and ashamed....needless to say that I left university after that....and never went back. God was telling me to leave behind all that hinders.....so I did just that.
I had just started dating mark and god truely gave this godly man to me; it was all in his plan. After countless non-christian partners who had no respect or real love for me, who used me and treated me poorly,...he loved me no matter what....and he loved God even more....he was just right for me. Just what God wanted for me. This is where my journey back began. God took me at a time where I was down and showed me what life could be like with a loving partner to honour and obey him...I desired that more than anything and I wanted to serve God forever with all my heart.
I came to the realization that no matter what I had done, all the horrible things, the alcohol, the drugs, the promiscuious relationships, the bulimia, the depressed thoughts the lack of respect for my parents and the self hate, that none of that mattered to God. He wanted me. I was his priceless child..a princess in his eyes, beautiful and free from sin and shame. He took me out of the pit as soon as I called his name...when I truly understood that his son Jesus died for ME...for me....who else would do that?! I was amazed by his grace. I still am ever single day....
God truly has a plan. The last few years God has been working in my life. He has been challenging me and making me stronger to trust and lean on him. I have had to watch things that I never thought I would watch..the death of a dear friends child, the heartache that goes along with this and frustrations of the problems with my own child. God has put me in these places to meet with these people and help them. I truly believe that God had a reason for me to meet these people and a reason why my I met these people who I minister to today...many people ask how do you get through in these situations. I can only rely and lean on God. When I don't, I fall apart...he is my rock. I want to share his power in my life with them.
I still struggle with the bulimia every now and then, it is when I am at my weakest that Satan seems to throw those thoughts into my head, I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it really, it is like a consuming fire that never goes out. But I know that with Gods help i can overcome those feelings. I CAN OVERCOME and I believe that one day I will be free from those thoughts totally...Christ sustains me. He is like an eternal flame that never ends....his light shines brightly for me to see...sometimes when things are bad, it sinders in the background..but it never fades...he is always there guiding and protecting me.
I want to leave you with two verses that have really encouraged me in my walk...
Proberbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised".
Romans 5:1-8 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not dissappoint us, because god has poured out this love into our hearts y the holy Spirit whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love or us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.